Not really. I have been thinking alot lately. Not for the good either. It’s just so empty, not blank. Not only because this school year ends, but it feels as there are many people that I feel have been distanced over the last few months of school. Hell, I wish that it didn’t happen, but at least I got to tie old threads together to make a new one right? I’ve been thinking about taking Summer Classes at Cuyamaca and/or Grossmont. That means that I would start school in July, but a little sacrafice wouldn’t hurt right? But then again it is going to be the last time that I would actually be able to relax for a long period of time, I guess. Well kind of, not really. But I kind of want to enjoy it. There are alot of plans that I made with a lot of different people, and I kind of want to do them all. I might not be able to because of an issue with my mother and me driving so far away. Then again I think that I am 18, but then again some of my friends aren’t, and if something happens it’s on me. So it’s a win-lose thing, I guess. Thus, leading me to think of just going to school right away.
So graduation is just around the corner, and I have yet to step foot in the Japanese Class since Japan Fest. Kind of seems like I abandoned them, right? Well, maybe. I did disappear. Lunch I’ve been leaving the campus to go get lunch, and ditched once to finish eating, and just talked the day away. I should be doing my APCS Final right now, but hey I got a good three hours before I have to start getting ready for school. Just listening to my iPod instead of wasting computer space and burning it out. Haha. Well back to the Japanese Class thing, kind of weird how I just noticed that. Wonder what everyone else thinks. Kind of tired of being so damn selfish now that I think of it. I’m a pretty damn selfish person. I do things that I want and don’t really think of what others think, but then again I do what I think of how other people will think of me. Not sure of that made sense at all. I act differently around people, well sometimes. Peer pressure can pretty damn well get in my head and change what I think and my attitutudes, so that doesn’t really help. I feel bad if I don’t do something. Yep. Kind of hate it when that happens, but I enjoy it sometimes. Man, I drift away from subjects pretty easily. Kind of scattered, no? Anyway, I think I’m just going to end this subject here.
On another note, I wish that I could have told Ciara all of this while we were on the phone earlier. I’m pretty sure we would have such a good conversation. I wonder why I didn’t. I regret it, but there were other things on my mind when I was talking to her. One for example is the fact that I’m so scared of what to do when I’m with her now. Like, I’m confused on what she’s feeling, but at the same time I know what she feels about me, but at the same time I don’t. Man, that was a jumbled up sentence. Well anyway, basically I don’t know what she thinks. She confuses me. This whole week, we didn’t really talk that much. I miss her alot. But lately, there have been these thoughts in my mind that tell me that she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. Like she does, but they’re not the same as before. As in, it’ll lead into destruction soon enough. :/ And I’m so scared of that. I don’t want her to be gone. Oo~ Tears. I hate those. I’m going to stop blogging now.
I’m disgusted with who I am, that’s basically what I’m saying to myself.
