How unfair people can be. I know you read this, so I will try to clear things up, since obviously I can’t go near you anymore.
1) I did not like someone at the same time as you. Perhaps you heard that, but I said it differently. You started to cry so much, yet you blocked everything that I said after. It was just a little over two to three weeks that we were broken up. During that time, do you really think that I am such a shallow person, that I would just go straight for someone else like that? Apparently so. Maybe two to three weeks is a short time, but hey, there’s a big difference between, RIGHT AFTER we broke up.
2) I did nothing wrong at Prom.
Right now, coming home from work, I completely lost all thoughts in this head of mine. I do not remember much of what I was typing before I left for work. I am so angry at my life right now. It’s worthless. I’m sick of life. If my own mother wishes that she doesn’t wake up, then fuck it. Why should I give a damn about my life. I feel so sorry for the time that anyone put with me. I don’t care if there’s life after death, I don’t care about heaven or hell. I just don’t care anymore. Just finished reading Ciara’s blog, Oh well. What should I do now? I don’t know. Like Ciara would listen to what I say in the first place, no more explanations.
This is for you Ciara, goodbye. There’s no reasoning with you anymore. You have your mind set, and I will not interfere with that.
You know me too well, and perhaps I really need to stop stalking your blog so I wont have to read something like this. Promise, this is the last time since I moved out of wordpress anyway..
You really didn’t have to explain anything. It’s hard to explain what I feel, and my own paranoia and I rely on my intuition to make decisions for myself.. and in this case you. For one, the more I spend time with you, the more I realize how different we are in many ways. “You’re so close but yet so far”, have you heard of that saying? That is what I feel. It’s always that feeling whenever I’m with you maybe because I don’t really open up with you. Usually it’s because I get scared of what you will say and if I tell you a problem or a worry, you’d reply with some kind of platitude like “Feel better soon” or “Poor you” when part of me thinks you can say something better than that.. but that’s no big deal, I know. That doesn’t really matter.
Maybe I still doubt us. As much as I can picture a future with you, it seems as if circumstances wont let it. There is just something that has to hinder and one of us would just do something that will screw something up and make one of us upset. Besides, there are many things that I don’t like you doing but as I said before (if you remember), I hate controlling. I hate being controlling. I hate when you talk about other girls (or even any of your exes or past crushes.. maybe because at one point you were happy and mine were all screw ups and I end up with jerks and I am liked by jerks so I was a bit inferior, no?). Honestly speaking, I got pissed off when you mentioned prom and what you did, and reading your blog about it made me so.. I don’t know. Envious? Knowing that you are so affectionate not only to me (who you said ‘I love you’ to countless times), but also to your other ‘female friends’. <– Just don’t ask anymore because I don’t feel like explaining. That’s just one of the few things.
I think nothing is going to work with us if I continue to feel like this. I’m stupid, and I don’t deserve anybody (yet, hopefully). You should be glad, that even if it’s so painful to say this, I’m letting you go so you can rethink for yourself and realize that there is a more better person suitable for you. I hate being possessive and selfish about you. I definitely would hate being in a relationship where I can’t clarify a commitment. Many times I tell myself that I should secretly test you but I decided not to because we should realize it by then… that’s why I never call first when I want to (or maybe I’m just not a phone person) or I hardly ask you favors.
Life’s too short and now you don’t care about your life, but I do.
I know, I’m being unfair but it’s just the same as you being stubborn.
I miss you, and all that corny little things that you do like kissing my forehead. Sometimes, you seem like the ‘typical teenager’ I see everyday and you can be a total jerk sometimes but you’re really strange and it’s probably why I end up being near you still.
I wonder how serious you are with that goodbye. It’s okay.